Turning 30…. 6 months in to being a “grown up”

So in October last 2015 I turned 30.
All I thought was ‘Blimey this means I’m an actual adult’.
My friends took me for dinner then we had a few drinks in the local. It was ruined slightly by a local drunk that insisted that ‘being 51 was far worse‘ and she wished she could have her time again…. this is all she went on about and took the focus away from me… Which in itself sounds selfish on my part….. however IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

So life continued as normal. Christmas came and went.

Bearing in mind I’d been clinically depressed for the last 10 years. (You can check that story in previous posts). Then all of a sudden wham I wake up one day “healed” and in such a good mood it was surreal.

I don’t know what happened but life started clicking into place. I felt like a woman not a girl. I felt I had my shit together. I knew how to budget, how to fill my fridge up and stop living like an student. I enjoyed the finer things in life like my coffee machine and my kindle.
I was just happy. For no reason.

I’d had some kind of epiphany in my sleep and, all of a sudden, I was a grown up.

Something my dad said to me when I was 14. “Enjoy being young and living at home, you’ll wake up 30 and having to pay bills”. He wasn’t wrong.
It felt like I left school last week. I remember putting my school tie on the fence and burning it. Saying goodbye and good luck to all my school friends.

What have I achieved in 15 years?! I feel I’ve achieved nothing yet I have so many strings to my bow, I don’t even know what career to take. I’ve had a broken heart, I’ve been to Australia,  Malta, moved to Wiltshire,  returned to Devon.
I’ve got a degree, well half but that’s another story. I’m a beautician, a nurse and have ran a pub.
I’ve been so drunk I couldn’t spell my own name, I’ve had crap cars, brilliant road trips and made some life long friends.
My world has completely changed. I have a chronic illness. Which I hide as much as I can.

3 months ago I was totally happy with being on my own, just the cats and I.
I smile every day. Do things I enjoy, things that make me happy without worrying what someone else thinks of it.

You only get one life, it could get cut short at any point. Live it, laugh and enjoy every moment. Even if that means spending the day in bed with a good book, film, the cats and and coffee.

I wasn’t really expecting anyone wanting to put up with my constant sarcasm, unpredictable illness and my pure lack of being sociable. I work in an pub, I don’t need to go out on the piss every weekend.
Then boom a man comes in to my life.

I’ve grown up, I don’t do the one night stands, I don’t want to be someone’s 2nd choice. I’m a woman and I want love, respect and fun.

I think I’ve found that.

So turning 30 has changed me. I’ve let go of all the hate, anguish and shittiness of being in my 20’s.

I feel liberated, and think my 30’s are going to be the best yet.
I wake up happy every day. (That may have something to do with the 24 year old I wake up next to 😉)

Life at 30 is great. You grow up, leave the past in the past and live your life.

Posted in Adult, anxiety, Fun, Growing up, Love | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Horrible nasty yukky stuff you won’t want to understand.

Please read this amazing article on #fibromyalgia & #chronicpain, #cfs.

paulapavlovaluva

I have a migraine.

Oh god, I hear you say, not another moaning blog from someone about their pain.

I have written, re written, rewritten, deleted, and rewritten this sentence over and over again. I’m trying to be very ‘pc’ about pain. But the truth of the matter is, Chronic Pain isn’t ‘pc’. It doesn’t go away. It isn’t ‘in our heads’ (except for when the pain is actually in the head) and when you think we are moaning, we are actually just trying to verbalise in some way how debilitated we feel about our own body acting like it’s at war with us.

Lets see how your empathy levels are today

Today I woke up with a migraine on the left side of my head. My left temple was throbbing. My left jaw was misaligned. The pain ran behind my eyes, across my cheek bone, into my teeth on…

View original post 1,198 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A little bit of sunshine makes everything better!

image

Thought I would share some sunshine. That little bit of vitamin D helps so much with pain and depression. Try and get a little.

Posted in anxiety, depression, Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Story Time!

Anna's Actuality

Image

“So, what’s your story…? Who are you? Tell me about yourself.”

Take a couple of seconds to have a think about the first things you’d choose to tell me if I was standing right in front of you asking you these fairly benign “happy hour” type questions. What gem of information about yourself would you offer up as the first and, perhaps most, important and defining characteristic about you?

I ask this question a lot and am always amused to see that most of us are conditioned to define and label ourselves by our current role in life or our employment status. People tell me what they do for a living, perhaps also whether they are married or have children…These are the stories we choose to share about ourselves and they become the stories we use to judge our own self-worth and self-identification. These stories are powerful, but they only…

View original post 606 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Awareness Day 2014

Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Awareness Day 2014

This is just a little picture to signify Fibro & chronic pain awareness day. Not many people are aware of fibro. That includes doctors. The more awareness we can get out there, the better. Okay there is no cure, just management. But lets share the word. Wear purple, and get noticed

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Days 21 & 22 (REDO!): Free Boobin’!

Healthy Hijinks

There is nothing harder than getting back on track. Especially when you are exhausted, and feeling more than a little down on yourself.   I decided to let myself get a little more sleep and just walk to work.  It’s officially springtime in NYC and morning walks should lift the spirit.  A little bit of sunshine, a little bit of well.. not so fresh, fresh air but better than that of the gym or the confines of the office.  I was feeling so unhappy with my body that I contemplated doing a juice cleanse but decided instead to just go no booze and vegan (+ egg whites) for the work week or at least until Friday when I have a co-worker’s birthday lunch at an irresistibly delicious bbq joint.

The day was, well, BRUTAL.  I did not want to be at work, I was still exhausted, and two of my projects were…

View original post 760 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A massive insight to my depression, chronic pain & how Fibro effects me.

A massive insight to my depression, chronic pain & how Fibro effects me..

Posted in anxiety, depression, Love, Sad, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A massive insight to my depression, chronic pain & how Fibro effects me.

Well my dear bloggers, the last few days have been awful. This is going to start off quite sad, but it has a positive ending.

I had a massive hissy fit yesterday. I decided I fancied a glass of wine so went to my quiet little local pub for a drink. I know both the landlady and the landlord. The landlady asked if I was okay….. Silly mistake. I totally broke down on her. Burst into tears and was sobbing like a 5 year old had just lost their puppy. It was a sight, that’s for sure.

Anyway, I had told her that I was feeling awful, low, depressed, anxious and suicidal. I had planned what I was going to do. I was going to make sure that my cats had somewhere to go, where they would be looked after properly, I was going to make a pile of my stuff that could be sold on ebay. The stuff that wasn’t worth a toss I would burn along with clothes. Then I was going to drive a few hundred miles away and get a b&b, stay a few nights, and then one of the nights, just takes all of my pills. Obviously I wouldn’t want my dad finding me, that wouldn’t be fair, especially as I only see him once a week and thats when he would worry. Not a nie sight. I know it wouldn’t be very nice for the person that did find me, but at least it wouldn’t be anyone that knew me. I literally had it all planned in a matter of 5 minutes.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was telling this to the landlady whilst dribbling, sobbing and those weird hiccup things you get. She just listened, and gave me advice. Told me I need to be more positive, try to get a job, try and make friends and so on. She was saying all the right things.

After I calmed down and had a few more glasses of wine, I thought about what I had been thinking about. Do you know what? It bloody scared the crap out of me. The simple fact that I could even think like that worried the hell out of me.

Okay, so I have a chronic illness, it can never be cured, the pain management is appalling and every day is a struggle, I’m not going to lie. I have fibromyalgia, which I have explained in a previous post, which causes all sorts of problems. I also have endometriosis,which in itself is equally as bad. I have the worse tummy pains in the world, I faint, I’m heavy (trying not to go in to too much detail) and tired. The fatigue is a mixture of both of these diseases. I have depression, anxiety chronic fatigue, and I’m lost. Stuck in a rut. Unable to let go of things, silly things, trivial things as well as past things. I’m screwed basically. If I was a dog, they would put me out of my misery. But, as I’m human (apparently) we are made to suffer. Cost the NHS thousands no doubt, and just generally a miserable sod.

At the ripe old age of 28, I feel like a 90 year old 60% of my week. It’s total pant’s.

I must admit, I totally admire the woman (& men) that manage to have a full time job, children and manage to juggle that with there illness. I really struggle to hold down a part time job. I just cannot handle it. My body and my mind.

 

All my friends live miles away, they are fed up with me moaning, constantly talking about how I feel. They say they aren’t… but I know they are. I know I would be if it was the other way around and quite frankly I get annoyed at myself, angry even. I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes.

I’ve been told to try and meditate… Do you know how hard it is to meditate when your brain doesn’t shut up. Those stupid little voices, which are your own, keep making you think, over analyze EVERYTHING. It’s ridiculous.

As suggested I have put as advertisement in the local shop just for ironing and helping people with shopping. I miss working, I miss my old job, I miss the little old ladies that used to tell me all their stories. I miss me. But I can’t go back. I can only go forward. I’ve got to stop living in the past, and look to the future. I know its a cliche, but it’s true. Very hard to do, and it’s going to take a while. But I think I’ll get there.

BUT……… There are some really good support pages out there. I follow one in particular on facebook (not my own) called Fibro Can Kick Rocks, and the community is amazing on there. I wrote to the admin tonight explaining what I did above, and the response and support was just amazing. Okay they are in the US, and I’m in the UK, but I was felt so lucky to have them. They didn’t judge me, criticise me or anything, just gave advice, love and support.

The moral of the story is; no matter how lonely, sad, upset, scared you feel. There is always someone willing to listen. To try and help any way they can.

Another amazing support group I found is the samaritans, wow, they are really good. I’m not sure if they are worldwide or just UK based. But they sit and listen, they’re not aloud to council you, but they listen, ask you why you think you feel this way. Praise all around.

I have never gone from hating myself to liking myself so quickly.

A note to anyone that suffers from depression, chronic illness, fatigue, anything that physically and mentally wears you down. Remember there is always someone to talk to. Even me. I find it is so much easier discussing things when someone knows about it.

So from a blog that starts off quite miserable to quite a positive. I hope you enjoy the read. This is kind of an open diary entry, feels a bit weird to post it out in to the big wide world. But how do you expect to make friends, find that support if you don’t put it out there.

 

Take care my fellow bloggers.

Posted in anxiety, depression, Love, Sad, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I am not religious… Deal with it. :)

This is just a quick post about religion…… As Mickey Flanagan says ” You like story, f@#$ing crack on with the story, whatever”…..

I do not believe in any being of any kind….Well maybe fairy’s…. Or just the liquid…I’m not sure. But I am sure that I do not believe in god.

This is my opinion,  which I am entitled to. As are the people who do believe.

On the other hand, I DO NOT like being preached too. Not my thing, makes me dislike you more.

 

Darwin…….Now there is a human who made sense. Just saying.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

When Your Soul Cries Out in Tears

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments